Geetings loyal citizen-subjects of Korvosa,
This missive comes to you now in memory of what should have been. Much like the former Queen Ileosa’s reign which saw this fair city despoiled, so too has the elegant manifesto you were to receive been sullied. So instead I give you the tragic tale of how this came to pass…
After using her masterful skills of diplomacy to persuade former queen Ilesoa to forfeit her wicked ways and surrender the throne, but before finding out that she had left already because no one bothers writing back, her grace Amelia von Tesla de Serune, First of her name, Annoited Paladin of the Serazi brotherhood, Arch-Priestess and chosen champion of Iomedae, Bearer of the Sacred blade Serithtial, and acting Queen of Korvosa and friends heroically stormed the former queens former castle. After some very heroic doings had transpired I, Amelia, found myself ordering the new seneschal to retrieve the old seneschal from the castle dungeons. With that underway I passed the time getting to know one of the castle scribes. I eased his trepidation at the impending managerial transition as best I could but he was the nervous sort and I soon gave him leave to go about his way, but not before asking him politely to use his ink and parchment to pen the finest piece of rhetoric ever put to paper, My manifesto.
There were others in the room of course talking about things and being loud as usual. I endured them with saintly patience. Presently most of the louder ones left to go do something or another downstairs. My companions Aidan and Reka stayed behind to admire my work, which was fine because they’re usually pretty quiet. Plus Aidan has a very expansive vocabulary. Edulwulf andKarne began making a racket downstairs and I longed for just one more silence spell. No matter, for I was in the zone. Words poured out with poetic prose. That is until the fallen angels showed up.
My concentration was shattered by these otherwordly interlopers and I may have lost some of my composure. I leap from my chair onto the writing desk turned to address the fallen with a stern but fair announcement that “SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO WORK!” and dismissed the foul creature back to its sorry pit. I channeled into myself an aspect most angelic and proceeded downstairs to give those boys a stern talking to. However the moment I saw the seen spread out before me on the floor below I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had misjudge my wayward comrades. It seemed that Karne and Edulwulf had decided to get a leg up on making the castle more homey by redecorating. But it would seem, based on how they were fighting with Edulwulf over where the doors should be moved to, that the resident Erinyes had differing tastes. Karne for his part was trying his best to diffuse the situation with some for of hug therapy, which seemed to be working to some degree. Knowing however that Erinyes are evil, otherwordly, and base on their manner of dress bereft of any class at all, I resolved to end the dispute somewhat more permanently. With the holy sword Serithtial I redeemed the fallen angels one by one with sword and fire. The others helped. And as I plunged the purifying blade into the final creatures heart, she turned her eyes to me and said “thank you for finally releasing my from my wretched existence o holy one, thank youuuuuu… bleh.” then she died.
With that distraction out of the way I decided it would be best to move through the castle to the dungeons to see if the seneschal (a rather porcine gentleman) had found himself unable to make the trek back up the stairs. On our way we passed through the dining hall, which it occurs to me now definitely should have been the place to start the remodeling. The room was filled with perditious beings a plenty. Or so it would seem to anyone not as astute as I. For I could tell right away without any help that most of them were in fact illusions. Soon after me Aidan noticed and let the others know. I was being polite and letting them take there time to figure it out on their own. There were however a couple of horned devils I made to smite. But they cheated and made rude gestures at me before flee to their home planes.
Undeterred, but a little peckish, we headed to the kitchens and I introduced myself to some of the staff. i told them about the upcoming manifesto. After grabbing a few snacks we continued down to the dungeon. Karne made a few wrong turns along the way, but to be fair he was blind earlier this week until I cured his affliction. Upon entering the dungeon I was greeted with a site particular and unpleasant. An old man, later identified and the old seneschal, was crucified to a floating cross that behaved much like a small town peasant who has never been introduced to the idea of personal space. With a wave of my hand and a word I dispelled the magic of the cross and it came crashing down. The old seneschal was regrettably very dead. But I did find a note from the new seneschal explaining that he was a coward, and a glutton, and probably a pedophile and that he was intimidated by me so he ran away like a big fat baby.
At this point there were only a few rooms left unexplored in the castle so I said lets just go ahead and round this place off. I led the group back upstairs to what was actually a well designed room, with a lovely view of the theater below. I didn’t have much time to admire it though before a treasonous gang of angsty people in red jumped down from the rafters and attacked. They we’re lightning fast, well actually as we found out a few moments later to their dismay they were not in point of fact as fast as real lightning, but you get the idea. So yeah fast. Battle was joined with me leading the charge and my companions joining the fray behind me. Each doing their part to turn back out edgy foes. Reka called down bolts of lightning and the occasional water balloon. Edulwulf smashed many and threw more down into the pit, orchestra pit that is. Karne was a flurry of kicks and punches as she leaped and bounded off the walls. Aidan tried to make friends with them. Which under normal circumstances would be laudable, but was entirely uncalled for at the time, and it forced me to have to step in and save him from the woman he was tying to befriend. And this lady was a real piece of work. Throwing wave after wave of deadly magic that surely would have killed anyone else. Phantasms , swarms of evil manti( mantids? mantises?) at me. But I stood strong and battered her back. More lightning and fighting from the others. Aidan got scared and ran into the next room and locked the door, but hes not much of a fighter soooooo…p. Just when It seemed I was about to deliver the killing blow the poisonous wench transformed into a giant beetle. Karne, in a flurry of hurled furry sent all manner of detritus soaring at the moths head. Perhaps inspired by this improvised bombardment, Aidan throws open the doors to his bolt hole and hurls a celestial octopus at the giant roach. It flopped and floundered, smiting as it went, but ultimately was not very effective. Again it fell to me to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Parrying, cutting, thrusting like an avenging angel I drove Serithtial Into the insects (neck?) and it fell silent.
With no more enemies present my mind went back to my work and then I realized I left my opus behind, Egads! But Reka had grabbed it for me after the scuffle. Tragically ink had smudged some of the paper. You could still read most of it but to me it was forever ruined. Reka probably didn’t noticed since she can’t read. She meant well. Crestfallen but not defeated i steeled myself and decided then I would send a different message, one more direct, if perhaps lacking in elegance. I hauled the giant bug carcass outside and using one of my new catapults I flung the monster trough the night sky to crash down on the dragon I had killed a few days before. It would have to do.
P.S. Trust me you guys, it was a really good manifesto.